I was ashamed. I didn’t want to admit I’d done it AGAIN.
So I lied.
Eventually the truth came out. She could accept that I’d slipped again. She couldn’t accept my dishonesty. That’s why she left me.
My addiction started years before I met her. Someone had shown me some dirty magazines, then suggested I get some of my own. At first I said no. Eventually my curiosity got the better of me.
It became a cycle. I’d buy a few magazines. Hold on to them for a while. Then throw them out in disgust. What had I become?
I’d be good for a while. Eventually I’d be drawn back in.
After several years I went back to church. I tried to stay invisible. Eventually the Bishop asked to meet with me. I told him everything.
I started checking in with him once a week. That seemed to do the trick. Eventually I got a Temple recommend. I did baptisms for the dead a few times.
After a while I stopped going to church. I fell back into old habits. Then I met her.
After we got married it was easier not to indulge. At least at first. Life became stressful, and I wasn’t good at communicating. I started acting out when she wasn’t around.
We moved. I resolved to quit once and for all. I went to the Bishop and confessed. He wanted me to get counseling, and said he would pay for it. He also said I needed to confess to my wife.
Confessing to her that first time was hard. I was sure she would leave me. She was hurt. But my confession helped us grow closer. I promised not to lie to her again.
I was good for three years after that. It didn’t seem hard.
We moved a few more times. Life got more stressful. I gave in to my urges. I was so ashamed.
Then she asked. I forgot my promise. I lied.
I confessed to the Bishop, but not to her.
We started marriage counseling. We became closer than ever. But something was in the way. So I told her.
I thought it would be like before. Our marriage would be stronger than ever. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
For six months she struggled. Eventually she decided to separate.
Why am I telling you all this? Because I’m not the only one. A LOT of men in the Church have this problem. My guess is around half. You’re not alone. Far from it.
There are a lot of single brethren out there who are addicted to pornography. Get it out of your lives. Do whatever you have to in order to be clean.
Then there are the married brethren. I’m not singling you out to shame you. I’m singling you out to warn you. You could lose everything. You don’t want that. Be open with your wives. Do whatever you need to do to save your marriages. I hope it’s not too late for you.
Ask Heavenly Father for help. Meet with your Bishop as often as you need to. Get marriage counseling. Go to addiction recovery meetings. Do what must be done.
If you slip, BE HONEST.
You may think you’re sparing her feelings, but you’re really betraying her trust.