Relapse

I relapsed a couple of days ago.

I’ve been in a funk ever since.

It had been about a week since my last relapse. I was feeling pretty good.

I’m not sure exactly what happened. Maybe I gave the thought too much attention.

Hopefully I’ll feel better by Monday.

Have a good weekend.

It’s holding me back

My porn addiction.

Yup, it’s still there.

I don’t talk about it much.

I’m sure it’s part of the reason I feel like I don’t deserve a better life.

I relapse.

I feel bad about myself.

I relapse again to try to feel better.

That’s the thing. In the moment it feels good.

After a few relapses I start becoming numb to the shame. Like wading out into cold water. At first it’s shocking. Painful. Until you get used to it.

Then I get lazy for a while.

And there’s the part that doesn’t even want to quit. The part that enjoys it. It’s like eating an all-candy diet. It’s terrible for you, but it tastes good in the moment.